This is not the kind of post I would normally share, but today (23/3/14) is a different day.
6 years ago today my dad died.
It was not unexpected, he had been fighting a terminal brain tumour with surgery, radiotherapy, chemotherapy and alternative therapies (mainly Reiki from both me and my mum) for the previous 10 months. The day before I had given him a Reiki session, I had felt the energy shift and there was more energy in the room that day than in any of our other session, I felt a connection to both sets of my grandparents who had passed years before and I asked them to take care of him. I knew it would be our last time together.
His life was about to end and mine was about to change forever, I knew my world was about to fall apart, I was wrong it was about to blow apart.
I thought I was strong.
That I could look after others and not after myself,
that I could ignore the pain and anger that was boiling inside,
that I could carry on without ‘dealing’ with it all
That worked for a while, then I ended up in therapy, borderline depressed (which side of the line I was on was never clearly defined) but I NEEDED to carry on, keep the professional face at work and the “I’m fine” persona the rest of the time.
I was far from fine. (some of you new this, some of you may have suspected it, and some of you may never have know)
My pain and anger boiled over – The shards of my broken world continued to spray out hitting those closest to me for years. People I did not even know when it happened took the brunt of it years later. And for that I am truly sorry.
The pain and stress I caused is beyond measure, and the knowledge of that is something I will always carry that with me.
However these things will no longer burden me.
I have spent years trying to find myself, trying to be the person that I thought my dad would be proud of and instead I have found the person I am proud of.
The things I know, the mistakes I have made (and there are plenty of those), the excuses I have used, things I am willing to share, and the things I am not! are who I am. They all make me stronger (and weaker in the same moment).
So today may be the anniversary of the day my dad died, but it is ‘just another day’ it is another day where I can have a positive and unique impact on the world.
And for that reason I would like to thank you all for being in my world.